This Is This Week

It’s being in the middle of a conversation at a party and contemplating when everyone will leave so you can eat (insert food here).

It’s bringing a (insert food here) into your bedroom, bathroom, etc. to hide the fact that you’re eating.

It’s buying (insert food here) and finishing all or most of it before discarding the wrapper/container before you arrive at your destination to “hide the evidence.”

It’s starting with a small bowl/plate of (insert food here) and then returning to the package/container again. And again. And again. And again.

It’s that voice in the back of your mind saying, “What the hell,” or “Well you already ate X,” or “Tomorrow is another day; we can fast/juice cleanse/eat healthy then,” or “Just finish (insert food here) so that the temptation will be gone.”

Living with a dysfunctional relationship with food is exhausting, honestly.

Over the years, I’ve wondered what my diagnosis must be. I’ve tried to understand why I eat things I don’t really want to eat. I’ve tried asking my partner to “keep me accountable” and used food tracking apps. I’ve talked to my therapist about it.

And yet none of these things seem to stop me from returning to my old habits.

For a day. A week. Sometimes a little longer. I find myself in the vicious cycle of eating and feeling crummy about it (emotionally, physically, mentally). I wonder why I don’t stop even though I sometimes eat until I feel sick.

I’ve tried juicing and following a specific dietary plan and eliminating certain foods completely (for a time).

I’ve tried letting go of all the rules and just allowing myself to try to “eat normally.” Needless to say, that didn’t go so well.

I’ve even purchased (though didn’t use) a laxative, and I’ve had to actually use a different digestive aid (several times) because some of the foods I binged on upset my stomach and bowels so much.

And more recently, I’ve wondered:

Do I actually want to eat healthfully and feel in control of my eating habits?

If I really wanted it, it seems like something I should be able to accomplish with my very regimented, type A personality. With my lists and my schedules and all of my organizational skills. With my knowledge of diet and nutrition and the health consequences of unhealthy foods. With my many years of research about habit formation and goal setting.

Well, it seems like I should have made some progress by now.

But just a few days ago, I found myself in the midst of a binge. Within a 24-hour period, I consumed…

• 5 or 6 madeleine brownies
• Half a pint of birthday cake flavored almondmilk ice cream
• Two and a half Cookies and Creme PopTarts
• Several pieces of bacon
• Two pieces of Irish soda bread with butter
• Several scoops of baked ziti
• A stuffed cabbage roll
• A small scoop each of coleslaw, macaroni salad, potato salad, plain roasted potatoes, and peppers from a tray of sausage and peppers
• Two-ish gluten free brownies
• A mini lemon filled pastry
• A few bites of ice cream cake
• A bowl of strawberries and blueberries
• A bunch of cherries
• Two pieces of frittata
• The corner of a cinnamon roll
• A pint of Halo Top ice cream

And at every step along the way, I felt dissatisfied. I craved more. Even when I actually felt uncomfortably full, I was still thinking about food.

And at least 50% of the aforementioned food didn’t even taste good to me.

Writing it all out…well it is really hard. Admitting the depth of the problem is truly the most embarrassing and difficult part.

Sure, I worry about the potential weight gain that will follow when I have a period of time like this. And I usually feel pretty lethargic, stomach sick, gassy and bloated, and short-tempered.

But the worst part is the shame. The feeling of failure. The sense of lost control. And the intense cravings that continue for days even after I manage to stop the cycle of eating.

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